Rules to survive 14th Division
by Zek88
Summary: a list of ways to survive 14th division, includes bleach abnd csi characters too. Chapter 3 finally up
1. Chapter 1

#1

**We do not own CSI, B****leach or any other cameo mentions, the characters Ayume, Kyo and Yuki are property of Xianghua4kilik, Kate and the rest of the 14****th**** division are Co-owned by xianghua4kilk and netball007, this fic is purely humour, but has references to 'the wolfs honour' and 'shinigami in new York', also to various other things.**

**All other bleach and ****CSI characters do not belong to us we're just borrowing them.**

**Guide to surviving 14****th**** Division**

**#1. Do not steal the captains coffee**

we all remember what happened last time cough Dan!

**#2. Do not, I repeat not sneak up on ****Kate's work friends when they visit 14****th**

We all remember what happened to Dan when he tried it on Lindsay!

**#3. Do not use your ****shinigami robes as a Halloween costume**

'just cause you never have to wear them doesn't mean they're to be used as costumes!

Seriously people buy or make your costume, what does Kate pay you for?

**#4. Do not encourage Danny Messer that the captain is a ghost sent to haunt him**

The captain does not appreciate it 'Dan'

**#5.No sending hate mail to Captain Aizen, Ichimaru or Tosen**

14th Division is meant to be a SECREAT!

(due to recent events this rule has been removed)

**#6. Paper planes are not to be out of paperwork**

I don't care if it was research for your 7th grade science assignment Den!

(what but it wasn't important paperwork, besides Dan and Ian turned theirs into pirate hats-Den)

(hey no selling us out shorty!-Dan)

(shut up, this rule now applies to pirate hats and other origami as well!)

**#7. Do not call 5****th**** seat Den Kiiroi short**

(Den do not Make rules up about yourself-Kate)

(why not I'm in charge of typing this-Den)

(hey shrimp stop killing the fun!-Ian)

**#8. Do not watch or look up **_**'Bleach'**_** on the internet**

(you mean don't get caught watching 'Bleach')

(yeah its fun watching Kenpachi scare Ichigo)

(whos Ichigo?)

(aw the hero of the story, he beat Kuchiki taicho, hes so cute)

(who are you all, when I find out your in deep trouble)

(shut up shrimp can you blame us for watching besides you went to that special screening of 'Bleach memories of nobody')

(Den…Dan see me in my office including you Silvia!)

(damm-Ian)

(Ian you idiot, now you have to join them)

**#9. Do not give Dan energy drinks**

we don't need him jumping off the walls again

(speak for yourself shorty, you were too-Dan)

(read rule number 7)

(but it says don't call you short, not shrimp or shorty)

(….)

**#10. Do not sneak up on your classmates in shinigami form just to scare them**

this applies to all looks at Den, Yuki

(they were teasing me-Den)

(yeah that big guy deserved it!-Yuki)

(oh and you say I'm bad-Dan)

**#10****-2**

**Stop ****contradicting the rules, only I have the right to change them, and all of you get back to work!**

**-****Kate**

(we don't have any-Yuki)

(I'll find you some 10th seat Tadashi Yuki)

**#****11. Do not call Yamamoto, the old guy, old codger or an old bastard. Especially not an old bastard.**

(but he is the old guy-Dan)

(I thought I just told you to stop contradicting the rules and to get back to work)

(but he's like over 2000 years old)

(so I'm over 1000 and I don't look much older than you)

(Henry aren't you meant to be leading a training session and Dan aren't you meant to be in that training session)

(but he's still an old bastard he doesn't give you a chance to explain yourself)

(Henry this not a place to defend your honour you stuffed up)

(I blame my former captain)

(Henry stop playing the blame and get over it- Kade)

**#12. Do ****not give tours of abandoned building and tell tourists that they're haunted**

(Parker I'm looking at you)

(what they were so suckered in, stupid humans-Yuki)

(should I tell Ayume of this, technically she is the head of your clan-Kate)

(no she'll let that wolf loose on me, and I'm disowned anyway-Yuki)

(ha ducks afraid of a girl)

(Ayumes scary when shes angry)

**#13. Contrary to popular belief Captain Tadashi does not borrow anime off Yuki**

(even though we know she does-Dan)

(its true but shes a noble she doesn't want anyone to know-Ayumeskitty)

(I don't have a kitty and I deny that)

(of course you do Ayume hime-Yuki)

(Yuki whos side are you on, and don't call me princess!)

**#14. Captain Tadashi does not ****have a harddrive full of bleach episodes**

(right I really believe that-Parker)

(Parker do you want to be on Ayumes hit list as well as Hitsugaya taichos-Matsomoto)

(eep, Den I thought this was limited to only 14th division members and a special few)

(actually, Kate extended the network due everyone knowing about 14th, I sent you an email about it)

(Matsomoto get back to work!-Shirochan)

**#15. Do not ****'borrow' Dens laptop**

(why?-n/a)

(I know its cause he doesn't want anyone finding his kiddie computer games, seriously who has a freddy fish game when they're over 100)

(Silvia gave it to me)

(really so Silvia play kiddie games too)

(I like the fishy game-I want candy)

(…who let the pink bob from 11th on here-n/a)

(I'll tell ken chan-I want candy)

(eep..gotta go-n/a)

**#16. ****Never borrow my psp-Dan**

(what did I tell Den about not making rules up that are personal Dan-Kate)

(whats a psp?- Ukitake)

(a really awesome toy you can play games on it, Ayume has one but she won't show it to anyone-Ayumeskitty)

(oh I must see this, I wasn't aware Ayume liked those kind of things-Ukitake)

(Kate I'm going to kill you, Kyo change your username)

**#17. Vice captain Hikari is not allergic to water**

(who said I was allergic to water!-badkitty)

(but you didn't like it when I pushed you in the swimming pool-N/A the 2nd)

(you can you lot be more original-misunderstood)

(what Dans N/A so I have to be slightly different)

(chuckles-senbozara)

**#18. **** Missing out on training will result in a temporary stay in 11****th**** Division**

you have been warned- Kate

(what! Did Zaraki taicho approve of this!-N/A the 3rd)

(no but I approve now, I'll you 14th division pansy's how to fight-Ken chan)

(are you saying I don't train them to fight well Zaraki?-misunderstood)

(yeah, you reject vice want me to teach you how to fight, I could do better than Tadashis old man)

(why you! Fine I'll fight you and prove it-misunderstood)

(Haru chan please calm down and Kenpachi leave Haru chan alone)

(yeah Haru chan relax and drink some sake-iwantmynanaochan)

(Kyoraku don't encourage drinking!-Kate)

**#19. ****No trick or treating in the hallways**

(but it was halloween, its not my fault your not up with the times-N/A)

(just cause its the day of the dead doesn't mean we have to celebrate it-Kate)

(can Ken chan and I trickle treat in the 14th division hallways, I wanna go as a parrot, ken chan can be a pirate and give me all his candy-I wantcandy)

(this rule applies to everyone!-Kate)

**#20.If ****Yachiru wants to play with you, too bad play with her you pansies!**

(Kenpachi this is a 14th Division rule guide not for the Gotei 13, please keep Yachiru cough away from my division, shes taken a liking to Henry, I would like my training instructor to come out of his room)

**And ****that's the top 20 rules to survive 14****th**** Division, (and the other Divisions) **

**Now read and review peoples, we know your reading this the numbers don****'t lie, and we accept anonymous reviewers, also any suggestions for other rules apart the 50 we already have are welcome and will star in future chapters.**


	2. holiday special

**Rules to survive 14****th**** division: holiday special**

**Do not swap the captains or any seated officers uniforms (usual clothes) for Elfe costumes or Santa outfits on Christmas or any holiday!**

I'm_not_an_elfe: yeah like last year!

N/A: aw but you are an elfe

Santas_here: yeah you can be my helper

I'm_not_an_elfe: you're not Santa!

N/A: no we're secret agents commissioned to help by Santa

Kate: Dan!

N/A: what?

Kate: you know what you're doing...don't worry Den Santa wouldn't think of employing those

I'm_not_an_elfe: yay!

**You are not Christmas spirits so stop harassing Kates work friends**

N/A: why not?

Kate: Mac and Flack are not Scrooge and Flack thinks the crime labs haunted

N/A: whatever gave him that idea *looks innocent*

Santas_Elfe: who changed my screen name!

I_hate_nobles: Dan or Ian

N/A: Hey look its scrooge Mc Duck

I_hate_nobles: Dan i will kill you...no I'll get you banned from Serentai with my family's influence if you say that again.

N/A: yeah that's Scrooge alright!

I_hate_nobles has logged out

**All Division members must be present at the division during the Christmas and New Year break no exceptions.**

I_hate_nobles: awww!

N/A: why! I wanna scare some humans

Ian: yeah

Kate: Dan your definitely staying put

Captain Gerrand sucks: I wanna torment someone

Kate: correction the one above me can go but only if you scare the daylights out of Gerrand and Chief Sinclair.

N/A: oh so we can torment the...what's their address?

Kate: I'll send it to you via email

N/A: yay lets scare some captain guy!

**Yuki attacking and killing off the third division captain's wolf is not a new year's resolution.**

I_hate_wolfs: why not!

Elusive wolf: ...Yuki...

I hate wolfs: uh oh...no kaminaris such a nice wolf...*hides*

Elusive wolf: baka

**Christmas is not a time a time to slack off your paperwork**

N/A: yes it is

Kate: no its not...just cause schools off does not mean you stop working!

N/A: slave driver...

Christmas is for pansy's: you pansy's Christmas is for cowards...fighting's for warriors

Elusive wolf: Kenpachi can you think of anything not fighting

Yamamoto: get back to work or drink some sssaaake

N/A:...WTF

Elusive wolf: uh...Soutaicho you feeling okay?

Yamamoto: yeah yeah Ayume chan

Kate:*sweat drop* ok...uh Shunsui

Yamamoto: ya Kate chan?

Mycatbitme: whoa that explains all those weird posts

**Do not touch the presents on the officers floor.**

Mycatbitme: but it was fun!

N/A: yeah and Kates funny when's she's angry

Kate: Dan i can't punish Kyo but i can punish you!

Santa's cute elfe: oh but Santa doesn't come to the 24th?

N/A:...great another believer in some fake old codger

Santa: the soutaichos an old codger is he Santa?

N/A: James that's just a disturbing image

Santa's cute elfe: James stole Santa's name!

N/A: go play with WOW with the midget

Do not throw snow at the Captain

Kate: yes i dislike snow in my jacket!

N/A: but...it suits you

Mycatbit me: i miss snow...

Mr Scourge: I've seen snow too much...1000 years and it gets boring

N/A: showing your age oldie

Kate: Dan! He's not that old

Mr Scourge: who changed my username?

Mrs Claus: someone did

**No one is to tell Henry that he's a bad Shinigami and deserves only coal, anyone caught will be...well dealt with.**

N/A: you wrote that yourself Haru

Sasakibe: I'm not going to disagree nor agree on such a matter

ChristmasHaru: shut up you prick

Kate: boys how old are you 4?

ChristmasHaru: he hates me, i never hurt him

Sasakibe: you owe me money

ChristmasHaru: for what?

Sasakibe: a bet in 1203

Kate: you kept a grudge over a stupid bet?

Yama jii: Sasakibe...stop being childish how do i log out of this thing?

**Do not argue over who playing Santa Claus for the Division**

Santa: me me me!

Kate:...

Mr N/A the 5th: I think the Captain should

Kate:...denied

Mr 7th seat: Dan should bleach his hair or something

N/A: what! You traitors

Mrs Claus: I agree

N/A: Silvia and James up the tree...

Kate: ok Dan is playing Santa

No snow fights inside the Division building or unseated barracks'!

Ian: it was Dans idea

N/A: sell out

Kate: it was more than two I know that

Mycatbitme: I once did that to Ayume in the office...but then*sulks*

Elusive wolf: ...

**Do not make snow man replicas of the Captain of 10th Division**

HitsuHinafangirl: but it was a tribute to him

Hitsugaya_is_hot: Yeah but mine was better it had a scarf

Hitsufan: Na ah...

N/A: whoa who knew he had fangirls...good thing they never knew he was here before

Hitsufan: he was!

Matsomoto: how cute taicho has fans

Ice Dragon: Matsomoto!

**No unseated officers are allowed in the top floors of the main building where the seated officers are based, even if your being Santa's helper or dressed as an elve.**

Santa: even Santa Claus?

Kate: including Santa suits...James

Yachiru: Santa does Santa have candy?

Kate: no he doesn't go back to Kenny

Yachiru: but...I'll visit Santa later

Kate: James go hide in your barracks' for a while

**The Christmas holidays are not an excuse to raid Kates office or apartment whiles she working.**

Chris: Well when else we meant to do it?  
N/A: I don't know why anyone would want to its very boring

Mrs Claus: And you would know this how Dan?

N/A: Because I have to give her my paperwork

I hate nobles: Wait stop the presses Dan just said he did paperwork... and in other news flying pigs have been seen in midtown.

N/A: Shut up I do more work than any of you

Kate: That's enough all of you, start acting your ages if anyone goes into my apartment or office when I am not around will be cleaning the toilets with a toothbrush.

N/A: But that takes for ever

Kate: Well don't go into my office.

**The captain does not need to be woken at 2:00am just so everyone can open their presents, neither does Henry.**

Santa's elfe: Oh why not?

Kate...

Mycatbitme: I tried to do that to Ayume once and she set her wolf on me

N/A: That's cause you're not meant to get caught baka

Mycatbitme: And how are you not meant to get caught?

Mrs Claus: By having someone else wake them, man you are a baka

Mycatbitme: Hey!

Kate: Hey Ayume can I borrow your wolf on Christmas Eve?

Elusive wolf: Yeah you can have Kyo as well

Mycatbitme: *Gulp* Uh Taicho?

Santa's elfe: anyone got another way we can wake the captain?

N/A: Yeah lots, step into my office and I'll tell you some

Kate: Dan!

**Do not swap your Christmas presents to another's Christmas presents just because you don't like them and because they're still asleep**.

Mr Scourge: So that's why I got bikini last year,

ChristmasHaru: Don't look at me I wasn't in charge of buying the presents last year

Kate: No I gave that responsibility to Dan, something I won't be doing again in the near future.

Mrs Claus: Good because if I get another book on hair in funny places, I will strangle him

Kate: Ok Silvia, play nice if Dan goes near your present he will kindly do your paperwork for a month.

Mrs Claus: Sounds good to me.

**No going into Shinigami form on new years and tell random people that they're going to die during the year...unless its Chief Sinclair or Captain Gerrad from Kates workplace.**

N/A: But it's so much fun seeing the looks on their faces

Kate: Dan do I have to make you stay in the division for the rest of the holidays?

N/A: No Captain, can I help scare the captain and chief?

Kate: Of course you can, just remember to stay hidden

Santa: Hey Dan wait up I'll come give you a hand

Mr Scrooge: Yeah same here, I'm sure we can think of something together

N/A: It's a plan meet at Times Square on new years and we will put our plan in motion.

**Cookie dough is for cookies not for hitting the 5th seat or 10th seat because they caught you on a dirty site.**

Kate: You shouldn't be on dirty sites as it is a violation of rules that have already been put in place.

Ian: But Taicho what you think is dirty and some of us think is dirty is completely different

Kate: I am talking about my definition of dirty Ian

Den: Is neopets a dirty site

Ian: Ha the midget likes neopets

Den: Its better than the adult fanfiction you read

Ian whatever at least I can read unlike you, tell me do you go on sites so you can learn maths and reading

Den: Why you...

Ian: Taicho if we can't throw snow cause it makes a mess why can't we throw cookie dough

Kate: Because Ian it's a waste of good food and Silvia works very hard to make those cookies for us, so you should be grateful

Ian: Maybe I would if they didn't taste like rocks, she can't cook no matter how much she thinks she can

Kate: Ian that is enough if I catch you throwing food you will be cleaning the whole division with me supervision

**The captains office does not need redecorating**

Hitsufan: Yes it does it's so dull and boring and last century

Mr 7th seat: Yeah and what would you suggest covering the walls in posters of Hitsugaya, cause I'm sure the captain would just love that

Hitsufan: who wouldn't love that?

Santa: uh anyone who isn't obsessed with Hitsugaya

Hitsufan: I am not obsessed

Santa: of course not

Kate: I am so glad to see that my officers don't need adult supervision

Mr 7th seat: she started it captain, she said that we should redecorate your office with pictures of hitsugaya.

Kate: I am not having any posters of hitsugaya on my wall

Hitsufan: Oh come on captain he is so great and good looking

N/A: yeah he's also Dens height

Kate: this is no longer a rule and I will not be putting any posters on my wall.


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own any of this except Yuki, Kyo, Dan, Ayume and Kate**

**Chapter 3.**

**Do not play code of duty during work hours-Yuki**

Dan: bang you're dead

Den: you killed me!

Kate: your dead already stop play games that you shoot each other in.

Pokémon are not real and reasons for slacking off work just so you can be the 'master'-Kate

Silvia: I wish they were

Den: Then I'd summon charmander and burn Dan

Dan: My geodude would crush you

Kyo: Ayume is better at Pokémon than you are

Elusive wolf: I deny that!

**Do not date humans-Yamamoto**

Elusive wolf: I know someone who married a human

Kate: I don't even want to know

**Just because the unseated barracks are not patrolled by officers, does not give you a reason to have parties-Kate**

Parker: But its fun and no one knows about them

Dan: I do

Ian: Yeah but that's because you organize them

Shunsui: Do you have sake at your parties

Dan: Yeah it's not a party without sake

Kate: Anyone caught having a party in the unseated barracks will have their services volunteered to 1st division for a month. You have been warned.

**Do not make up scenes in public view with bleach action figures, Yamamoto found it highly un-amusing that he had an Aizen figure stabbing him-Sasakibe**

Ian: Who did that?

Kate: I don't know but when I find out someone will be sorry

Kenpachi: Pansies...

**If the budding artists of 14th division could stop making yaoi Doujins featuring influential **

**captains and vice captains it'd be appreciated-Cherryblossom**

Parker: who choose such a stupidly girly screen name?

Dan: a girly girl

Cherryblossom: senbon...

Kate: Kuchiki?

Cherryblossom: I'm too busy to deal with such common fools

Silvia: I like the name it's very pretty

Ian: you would you're a girl

Elusive wolf: sexist

Do not dress up like a ninja and flash step to show off your '_awesome ninja skills'_

Little_bee: would they like to volunteer for some expierence

Dan: poor fools

**If you are temporally assigned to the Gotei 13 for a time, follow the Gotei 13 rules-Kate**

Kate: Henry yes this means you

Misunderstood: But I hate 1st division!

Kate: It's only temporary

Silvia: Captain Gooey scares me

Parker: The short one froze my hand to the wall

Hitsugaya: What'd you say...

Yuki: I have no problems

Dan: Of course you're with 3rd

Ian: Hi ya...ain't it sunny and...

Kate: This is supposed to teach you something, not how to get drunk!

Silvia: Yeah and to hate science

Kenpachi you cannot have a tiger as a pet, please don't send me request like that again-Kate

Ken chan: why not?

Kate: Just no...

Ayumes new kitty: Because we don't want one running loose around the serentai

**Due to recent orders that all 14th members have to have a regular yearly physical with Captain Unohana of 4th, DO NOT hide from the me-DoctorLady**

Hitsugaya: Oh god who tryed that

Den: $10 says Dan

DoctorLady: Really all that over a physical am I really that scary

Elusive wolf: ...maybe...

DoctorLady: Ayume chan really!

Ukitake: She has a point Retsu

Misunderstood: See the captains agree she is scary!

DoctorLady: Vice captain Haru your appointments next week

Misunderstood:*whimper*


End file.
